Mood #326

I am in a mood....I call it mood #326. Don't know if it's caused by lack of nicotine or pms or insanity but here it is. It'll probably go away in a minute but since it's here right now.......

Grief is a crazy thing. You can think you are over something or someone and years can go by and it'll sneak up on you and smack you in the back of the head when you're not looking. Most people don't know this but you don't only grieve over the death of a loved one. You can grieve over a lot of things. Today, however, my grief is pointed directly at the ones that I have lost over the years. I need to talk to them. I need to ask them some things that I haven't ever asked them. Because they are not here for me to ask, this is the only way I have to get it out.

Kevin ...why did you drink yourself to death? You were only 33 and the only sibling I had that understood me at all and who didn't make me feel stupid. Why couldn't I help you? Why didn't I see what you were doing to yourself? You have been gone for 16 years...a long time. And it still feels like yesterday you were beating me down in cards.

Becky.....why did you leave home? Why did you marry that bum who beat you? And why didn't we know about it until after you were dead? Why didn't you call Mom or me and tell us? We could have come and gotten you a lot sooner than we did. The only relief I have is that you knew you could come home at the end and you did so I had a chance to talk to you some. But I never got to tell you what was really important: that despite what our father said, Mom always loved and so did I and that never changed.

Mom....thanks for living as long as you did (even though it wasn't long enough) and thank you for loving me even when I was totally unloveable. Thanks for letting me make my own mistakes and for letting me come home when I needed a safe place. I hope you are proud of me still.

Dad...why were you such an evil man? I loved you and you threw it away and I never got a chance to resolve it with you. Hate me all you want but I still love you.

Briana...my baby girl. I miss you most of all...every single day for the past seven years. You would be almost 10 years old now, half grown. Joshua misses you too. We talk about you a lot late at night. I love you Breezy, always.

I really need a cigarette now.