Just A Pinch

A minor misfortune befell me last night (actually early this morning). After all these years of me kvetching about the guys putting the toilet seat down, one of them did. They put down the whole lid, not just the seat. Hurray, right? Well, I didn't know that they had done this, it was 4 a.m., it was dark in there and I proceeded to take a seat. However, the toilet lid doesn't exactly fit the seat and where it has a slight overlap, that's where it happened. I pinched myself....hard.....at 4 a.m., right on the right backcheek. And now I have to come up with some excuse for why I am walking funny tonight at work. Ah, the joys of living in a male household.

I am currently teaching my one and two year olds to pick up after themselves. They are very good at it and they enjoy it. However, what they enjoy even more is taking what they have picked up and put away and dumping it out again all over the living room floor, and then pretending that they don't understand me when I tell them to pick up again. I think they just like seeing me work. (Must get that after their Dad!;))

I just realized today that when Grover cooks, he never washes the pans. He will wash the other dishes, sometimes, but he always leaves the pans 'to soak.' Ladies, this is a man's way of telling you that he is never, ever going to wash that pan. He will refresh the dishwater for three days but he is not going to wash it. It's just a tease. Don't fall for it!

My kids won't let me read a book to them. They won't sit still long enough. However, Lukas will read the yellow pages in the phone book and Jakob will read advertising circulars for hours at a time. If, in the future, I ever need a good plumber or need to know where I can get a good deal on a brake job I'm sure one of them will be able to tell me.

It's hard being a parent of toddlers sometimes. Occasionally, I feel disconnected from the world of grownups. I can't always tell you what happened on the news or HBO but I can darn sure tell ya what happened on Blue's Clues or Teletubbies (every parent's nightmare). And there was the time at the store when I told my best friend to use her 'indoor voice' please.

It's hard being married sometimes. When my young, single friends are talking about their latest conquest or I see new love in bloom, I admit I get a little envious. They are still on the variety packs of cereal and I am having oatmeal every day..........until I DIE! But then I remember, I like oatmeal. It's good for ya. As long as I don't have to wash the pan.

Peace allll..................

Scaredy Cat

I have a confession to make. I love horror movies, absolutely love 'em; the scarier the better. However, I have a serious problem with the side effects. No, I don't have nightmares. You would have to be able to sleep for those. Every time I watch a scary movie, I sit up all night, hearing things that go bump. That's okay though. That's part of the fun of watching a scary movie.

The side effects I am in reference to are the commercials for the scary movies. That's right...the COMMERCIALS! Most of the time, the commercials for the movies are scarier than the actual movies themselves. I keep the remote in reach at all times just in case one of them comes on I can switch channels quickly.

I am a grown woman with three kids. What the heck am I doing investigating every single noise I hear at 2 in the morning because of a commercial? Thank goodness I work 3rd shift so I only really have this problem 1-2 nights a week. I would wake Grover up for a second during these times if I could. However, a tornado coming down the street wouldn't wake that man up.;)

So, once the kids are asleep for the night, it's normally just me and the cat...looking at each other like 'Did you hear that?' And then, just like the idiots in the scary movies, we are off to investigate the latest strange noise.;)

Well, I'm off of work tonight, and I have seen parts of the commercials for 'The Boogeyman' and 'Hide and Seek' already so I think I'll wait until Grover comes home so I can take a nap. That way I'll be ready for guard duty tonight.;)

Peace allll............

Told Ya Not To Tell 'Em Where I Was!

A favorite blogmeister of mine, Shane, recently went through some issues regarding the fact that he felt he had to censor himself due to certain people that may be reading his blog. At the time I felt for him and thought I understood. However, I now understand that I only understood as an outsider might. I now find myself in similar circumstances, so now I REALLY get it.

I have always been a talker/writer. Even during the years when I was painfully shy, and didn't talk too much, I would write. I have always found a great outlet in putting my words down. Sometimes they come easier this way and I often am able to piece together my pathway through life in this manner.

I have always been interested in other people, opinionated, and, since I have been an adult, very vocal. Some people might call me a loudmouth (perish the thought!;))

Sometimes, I rub people the wrong way. Such is life. Not everyone is going to agree with what you have to say. And since I am not the most eloquent of creatures, many times what I have to say is taken the wrong way. This is not intentional.

It has never been my intent to hurt or embarass anyone. And if I have I apologize. I now realize that while my husband may share in, and sometimes appreciate, my sense of humor, that other people may not. And so now I find myself grappling with a censorship issue.

Should I continue to say what I feel without regard? ( I very rarely use names in my blog so it's not like anyone has the names and addresses of people to whom I am referring.) Or should I edit each and every post for fear of offending someone?

I think I will handle it like this: for all of you who may take offense at something I say without understanding the source of my message(s), please take everything I say with a grain of salt. If you can't do that, please spare yourself the anguish of visiting here. Everyone is welcome here, of course, but there is no sense in coming here if it is only going to annoy/irritate/vex/anger you.

For the rest of you who may not always understand where I am coming from or why but who just get the fact that sometimes people need to vent without fear of repercussion.....thank you for 'getting it'.

Peace all.............................

Snow

Yay!!!!!!!! It snowed, it snowed, it finally snowed!!!!!

Family Ties

Family....now there's an odd idea. You take a group of people who sometimes look similar and sometimes act similarly, put them in the same location, let them live together, and somehow expect them to love one another. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

I have two families. One is the one that I was born into. One is the one that I chose. Now, there is one person who is in my blood family that is also in my chosen family. That would be my mom. Unfortunately, she passed away in 1997, so what I have left in my life is my chosen family: my husband, my best friend, my kids (yes they are chosen by me and I hope one day I will be chosen by them as well). I do not have much to do with what is left of my blood family because they decided a long time ago that they did not want to have much to do with me. It was then that I decided that my chosen family is the lesser of two evils. Sad, I know, but true. And the odd thing about it is that my husband and my best friend are in the same predicament, so I know that I am not the only one out here like this.

I love my blood family, don't get me wrong. But they have failed me as often as I must have failed them. I have never felt like anyone in my blood family would support me or have my back like my chosen family would. This has been proven many times over. And this has led to my point: family is a group of people who love each other, not just because they are related to each other. Family are the ones you can talk to freely, because they love you and have taken the time to try to understand you, not because they have the title of Mother,Father, Brother or Sister.

I would like to thank my blood family for not killing me and I would like to thank my chosen family for making my living worthwhile. I also must thank the good Lord for leading these people into my life (thereby proving He has a sense of humor;))

So here's to you guys: Mom, Grover, Rachel, Josh, Briana, Lukas and Jakob.........my real family.

Peace alllll...........................

Attention Grover

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY GROVER!!!!!!!

LOVE YA!!

Problem Solving

My two little ones are learning how to resolve disputes between themselves. My 2 year old will simply take what he wants from the 1 year old. The one year old will then wait until the 2 year old decides to take a nap and then he will take his full sippy cup and chunk it at the 2 year old's head (with surprisingly good aim I might add!). Aaaah, if only the rest of life were this simple;-).

Now, the only problems I have had lately are as follows. If you have any tips on how to solve these daily hassles, please feel free to dispense advice. I'm all ears (not all mouth as my husband likes to say;-)).

1. I cannot seem to walk from one room to the other without one or both of my children grabbing onto my legs like living ankle weights. One weighs 50 pounds and the other weighs 37 pounds. The workout is good for me I'm sure but I'm having a hard time getting them to rotate sides so I can get both legs even.

2.My children's favorite food these days is cat food. They steal it from the cat and he is starting to look a little anorexic these days.

3.I asked my husband to help me with the housework a little more and his response was "I do all the driving! Isn't that enough?" Ummmmm....NO?

4.My bathroom is being inundated with male products....that's right..male deodorant, cologne, shaving cream, razors, clippers, special shampoos (don't ask!). Ordinarily, this wouldn't bother me but he never puts them away. EVER. They all stay piled up on the sink like some sort of metrosexual nightmare.


Random Memories:

One time I tried to sleep in silk pajamas on satin sheets and I kept sliding off of the bed so I ended up sleeping on the floor. How romantic is that.

A guy was trying to flirt with me once upon a long time ago. I thought I was cool. Until I turned around and walked into a wall. He never called.

Not only have I been called the wrong name during...ummm...'special moments', I have also had a guy fall asleep on me. Now there's an ego boost for ya.

Once had a guy call and ask me out and then he realized he had the wrong number.

Yep, it's moments like that that make me love my husband even more.

Peace all..........

Hello??

Hellooooo?? Wow, the echo in here is REALLY loud!

HEY!! I've Got Something To Say

Prejudice: antipathy based on faulty and inflexible generalization, directed at a group or an individual of that group

Chauvinism: activity indicative of the belief in the superiority of men over women

Misogyny: hatred of women

There have been certain events that have occured in my life over the past couple of days that have me wondering if we are still in the Stone Age. And although I am not at liberty to discuss these events in detail, that will certainly not prevent this rant.

I am so very glad that I married a man who has some sense of who I am as a woman and respects me as such. Granted, he has his issues and sometimes he is truly a 'guy' in the sense that women are as understandable as pig latin to him, but overall he does try and he tries hard to understand and appreciate women. (The latter being infinitely easier for him than the former;))

However, it is some of these other men that I have the chance to deal with on a somewhat regular basis that truly annoy me. Are we not in a new era, a new century, a new day?? Then why is it that so many men still want to act like we are in a time warp?

Guys.......we are women. We are not your pets, your old ladies, your 'little girls'. We are WOMEN. We are just as intelligent as you are (more than some of you), just as logical, just as fair-minded, just as shrewd, just as cunning, just as tough, just as strong and just as just as you claim to be. Why can't you simply accept that and move on with your lives??

Why do you feel the need to belittle us with your cute euphemisms and objectify us with your shallow perceptions of how women should be? Guess what? We are not your 'hot mommas' nor are we a mere collection of body parts like a 'nice ass' and 'great jugs'. What in God's name is wrong with you people? I cannot believe that you have made it this far in your life still being this ignorant!

Does it make you feel better about yourself as a man to try to step on women, to try to control women? Does it do your obviously low self-esteem good to pretend that you are better than another human on the face of this earth?

Do you really feel masculine talking about football scores and politics and the stock market? Well, if so, then call me a dude too because I can hold my own on any of the above subjects and many more.

Message: having a penis does not automatically entitle you to anything. It does NOT make you inherently smarter, stronger, faster or anything else. In other words, growing a penis does not mean that you can grow a brain.

Remember this: a woman gave birth to you. If it wasn't for God allowing her to carry you for nine months and her working to get you here, then you wouldn't be here at all. Think about that the next time you get worked up over 'silly, incompetent women.'

My suggestion is that you put all of that backwards good ol' boy thinking aside, develop some maturity and grow up.

To all of the women that allow these men to be like this and never say a word about it because 'men will be men', please STOP IT! You are making my job a lot harder!!

To all of the men out there that are NOT like this (and there are a lot of them I know): THANK YOU for being more evolved humans and may you be able to pass it on to future generations. We need more like you.

And to those of you who are sitting there thinking "ultra-liberal feminist bitch", you are almost right. I am NOT a liberal, I am really NOT a feminist per se, but yes, I can be a bitch. (But then, according to these guys, aren't we all?)

Peace allll..............

Ramblings and Rumblings Part Deux

I am an anal person at times. Yes, I admit it. And even though I try hard not to be difficult there are just some things that I don't understand.

We have two adults and three kids in our house. Time (and hot water) are at a premium. Why does my husband, in his obsession with personal cleanliness, take 45 minutes to take a shower? Considering our hot water only lasts for ten minutes at a time, this means that he runs the hot water out and then waits for it to reheat so he can do it again. He is an average size guy, not a sumo wrestler. He doesn't have 45 minutes of body to clean. (And then he fusses at me because the electric bill is so high.....well DUH!)

According to most men, women are supposed to be the 'weaker sex'. Then why is it that men will cry (or at the very least pout) over any little thing? (I'm not, I repeat NOT, in reference to Grover here, just a guy or two I know.) They stub their toe, or burn themselves in the kitchen, or heaven forbid, get sick......oy vey....you NEVER hear the end of it.

Why is it that women have the reputation of being gossips but men gossip just as much, if not way more, than most women?

Why do men say that they are attracted to 'what's on the inside' of a woman. I have yet to have a man walk up to me and say "My, what a beautiful brain you have." No, normally they are looking a liiitttle bit lower than that.

What is the deal with breasts and butts for men anyway? They're a set of glands and a set of muscles. That's like saying 'mmmmmmmm.....that's a hot thyroid ya got there.'

Why, once you get in a relationship, do most men want their girlfriends/wives to stop wearing makeup? Do you want us to look like the grim reaper ALL the time?? Some things NEED to be covered up!

Why do so many women say that they look for a good sense of humor in a man when most of the time their aim is a liiiittttle bit lower too?

Note to all women who don't know any better yet: Big hands/big feet/big noses do NOT mean everything else is big okay??

Why do they call it a graham cracker when it is actually a cookie?

Why am I so abrasive sometimes?

Why do they call it a hamburger when there is no ham in it?

Who in the world decided that pickling eggs, pigs feet and pig ears would be a culinary delight?

Smart husbands know that the answer to "Am I fat?" is always a resounding NOOO! (whether it's true or not)

Smart customers know that discussing how little money you have in front of your waitress can put a damper on your dining experience.

Note to self: never ask a woman when her baby is due if she has not told you she is pregnant.

Note to men: never ask your significant other "What's wrong?" because she will probably tell you.

Note to women: ditto

Note to Grover: would you please get out of the shower now?

Peace alllll......

P.S. Congratulations to Joshua on taking second place in the school spelling bee. Now you can never again spell anything wrong or you are sure to hear about it ;)

How's The Weather??

I live in Alabama, or as we natives affectionately call it 'the bowels of hell.' One of the most annoying things about our state, aside from the preponderance of rednecks and and mosquitoes, is our weather.

It is January something or other (I suck at remembering dates...I really do.). This morning it was 75 degrees and we were under a tornado warning. In JANUARY. The rest of the country is dealing with snow (well, except California really) and we are having tornadoes! What is really going on. I have the television on in the living room and Sharon Resultan (yes, I AM a weather fan) is talking about blizzards in the midwest while I am in the bathroom with the kids in the (dry) tub with blankets and pillows over them. Do you know how hard it is to keep two toddlers entertained in a DRY bathtub?

So, we're in there with sippy cups (which just goes against my grain to have any food or drink in a bathroom.....yuck!) and toys and all sorts of stuff and I am running between the bathroom and the radar on t.v. and the bedroom window (which was giving us a beautiful view of our possible doom). And the kids keep getting out of the tub to follow me and the cat is running around like he has lost what little mind he has.

Then my husband calls to let me know he is on the road in the neighboring county and he will be home shortly. Helloooo??? You're on the ROAD in this? "Oh, honey, it's not that bad out here. The color of the sky hasn't changed any." This is coming from a man whose only experience with tornadoes has been the movie "Twister". (He's from the coast of Virginia....hurricanes he knows.)

So we sit in the bathroom for like an hour until the system tires itself out. Then I go outside and it's like 40 degrees. What the heck?

See that is why you can put your winter clothes away in the summer here but you can never, ever put your summer clothes away in the winter. Because you just never know.

But I suppose everyone has got their weather complaints everywhere. Rain in the west, snow in the east and midwest, floods and mudslides everywhere else. I think I'm moving to Mississippi......aside from the casinos, even the weather doesn't want to visit there. ;-)

I guess I'll put my bikini on now and wait for a break in the temperature. Should start warming up in about an hour!

Peace all.........

Dinnertime!!

I wonder what my children are going to be when they grow up?

Lukas may be a swimmer. I think this because as he was sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner, I saw him lay himself across the table and turn his head from side to side.

Jakob may be a scientist. He enjoys picking up one pea at a time, holding it in the air, studying it and then eating it. One at a time...that makes for a realllly loooong dinner.

They may be plumbers. They both enjoy sticking their hands in the toilet for no apparent reason and just swishing them around.

They may be mechanics. If there is a grease spot in any parking lot, know that they will find it...especially if it is the church parking lot.

They may be trashmen. They love empty cans more than anything else. They won't eat what's on their plate half of the time but the trash can is a veritable cornucopia, horn o' plenty, mini grocery store.

They may be wrestlers. They love to jump off of anything, especially if the landing zone includes me or their father.

I don't know what they'll be when they grow up. However, I do know one thing.......Mom wants a lovely little beach cottage. Remember that boys or I'll come to live with you when you get grown! (Me and the 20 or so cats I will have collected by then!)

P.S. Parents, be good to your kids. Remember, one day they'll be picking your nursing home!

But Seriously Folks........

Since the beginning of time, there have been many,many historical couples. For example:
Adam and Eve
Antony and Cleopatra
Romeo and Juliet
Samson and Delilah
Sir Lancelot and Guinevere
Mickey and Minnie
Peanut butter and Chocolate (my personal favorite)
Vinegar and Oil

and finally......Lila and Grover (that's me and my husband for the uninitiated:))

It has come to my attention (via a couple of anonymous comments) that I have been coming across as maybe not the most loving wife and partner. Please allow me to explain.....

I love my husband dearly....always have and always will. However, we are two distinct (sometimes insane) personalites. See, that's what marriage is, when you take two very different people and make one unit out of them. And although I love my husband (and I'm taking for granted that he loves me here too) we do live in the real world.

My name is not June and his name is not Ward and our children are not named Wally and Beaver.(Who would name their son that anyway??;))
I do not wear pearls and high heels and he would just rather hang himself than wear a tie.

What's my point? Hold on, I'm getting there. When I complain about my husband, you can rest assured that he is complaining about me. It's how we show affection.:) Most of what we say to each other (or post on a blog) is not meant to be taken TOO seriously. If either one of us took ourselves or each other to heart that deeply, we would have had an old-fashioned duel a loooong time ago.

Let me state it once more for the record and in case I never, ever say it again: My husband is a great guy. He is a guy though. And I believe he would say I am a great woman. I am, however, just a woman. Just two dysfunctional people who have found a way to have fun together.

So, please....don't take either one of us too seriously. The last person who did ended up in therapy.

Peace alllll..........

Couple of Questions

I've got a couple of questions........

1. Why, when I am on the phone, can the kids be crying, the cat be meowing, the television be all the way up, dinner can be burning and my beloved husband will just look at me like "What?" However, if he is on the phone, you can breathe too loudly and he will give you the "Can you please do something about that?" look.

2. Why am I able to clean the house, bathe the kids, cook dinner, do laundry (and still look gorgeous;-)) while he is at work but by the time I come home from work the house looks like it needs to be condemned and the kids look like someone just found them out in a field and dropped them off in their beds?

3. Why does he tell me to "find whatever you want to watch" on television and then when I do he will ask me "You're watching THAT?"

4. Why, when he is on the computer, am I able to keep the kids from helping him type;however, when I am on it, he will tell me that he "can't control both of them at the same time." He will then proceed to the "Well, they just love you more" failsafe. (He knows that one gets me everytime as I will stop whatever it is I am doing to patiently explain, yet again, that that is just not the case.)

5. Why is it okay for him to just go to bed at anytime, as long as I am here but I feel the need to ask if he will watch the kids so I can take a nap?

6. Why is it that when the boys are being well-behaved then they are "his boys"? When they are misbehaving, suddenly they become "my rugrats."

I know I said a couple of questions but I have a tendency to be an extremist.;-)

Peace..........

Fashion Tips For Dining Out

I am the last person in the world to try to deny anyone their freedom of expression, especially when it comes to their clothing or personal style. However, I do have a couple of requests for those fashion challenged customers that come into my local watering hole....

You, the guy with the pierced ear with the Masterlock hanging from it...not only is that visually unappealing but it is also dreadfully unsanitary.

You, the guy who comes in and sits in a booth and then proceeds to take your shoes off. This is just flat out nasty and not to mention you have a bad case of 'stanky feet.'

You, lady, the one who wears a size 16 but you have yourself poured into a pair of size 12 jeans topped off with a baby t-shirt. Cover that mess up right now. That's all I can say about you because that is just so wrong on so many different levels.......just cover it up.

You, the one who falls asleep at the table because you are too drunk to stay awake, please next time bring a pillow with you so I won't have to bring you extra napkins to get the grits off of your face.

You, lady who wears next to nothing while out clubbing in sub-freezing temperatures, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, come in here and immediately say "Ooooh, it's cold in here!" You weren't feeling the cold when you were sucking down Jaegermeister, don't cry about it now. Put some clothes on or at the very least wear a jacket.

You, big footed men, keep your feet out of the walkways or I will step on your ankles on my way by....I promise. I don't care what kind of athlete-endorsed hoof covers you have on.

You, people who wear fur coats or leather jackets or motorcycle helmets, please don't use the next booth as your personal coat closet, unless your coats are gonna tip me too.

Ladies, if you're gonna get drunk and come in here, please freshen up your makeup before you do. It is no fun waiting on a drunk woman who looks like Rocky the Raccoon.

Men, if you're gonna get drunk and come in here, please button up your shirts and pull up your pants. It's the least you can do.

And those are my style tips for the day. See ya on the red carpet!!

Peace......

Apologies to My Husband

I can be a difficult woman to live with at times. I realize this. And because my husband, despite his faults, is a wonderful man, he still loves me, despite my faults. And so I would like to take a moment to offer some apologies to him.

I am sorry for turning the air conditioner on 50 in the middle of the night in December because I have hot flashes. I know, I could have at least covered you up.

I am sorry for punching you in the face when I was in labor with our first child. I don't remember doing it but the nurses said I did and you did sport that unsightly bruise for a week.

I am sorry for looking embarassed when you do your James Brown imitation in public.

Please forgive me for sometimes hiding your car keys and seeing how long it takes you to find them.

I apologize for laughing at you that time you fell down (even though it was incredibly funny at the time;-)).

I am sorry for putting too much bleach in your underwear when I was doing the laundry, even though you gotta admit that the breeze felt good for a while.

Forgive me for accidentally erasing your saved game from Pokemon-Ruby Red Edition. (What was I thinking?)

I am sorry that I forgot to feed the fish today but at least I fed the kids.

I apologize for sometimes thinking that Ramen noodles is a gourmet meal. (But hey, everything looks good in candlelight.)

I am sure that there is a much longer list of things for which I need to apologize but this is all I can think of right now.

And, here's a reminder for when things get bad and you are really angry. Don't forget: you picked me!

Love ya cuz!!

P.S. Don't try to poison me......you know the kids taste my food before I ever get a chance to eat it!

Happy Birthday Terrell

Today would have been my best friend's son's 27th birthday. I say would have been because he is no longer with us.

On February 16, 2001, he was murdered.

He was murdered in his own home trying to protect his sister-in-law from an ex-boyfriend who just couldn't understand the meaning of the word 'no.' Not only did he lose his life she lost hers as well.

He was murdered in front of his wife (who was shot twice herself) and in front of his 4-week old daughter and a houseful of nieces and nephews aged 2-11 years. The 11 year old and a 4 year old were eyewitnesses. Fortunately, the other kids were upstairs.

He was a good guy, a good son, a good husband and brother and a great dad. He loved his daughter.

Aside from his wife and daughter, he left behind a twin sister, another sister and his mom.

Today is his birthday and I miss him. I miss trading insults with him. (He was the first one to tell me that I had a way with words;-)). I miss finding homes for the stray animals he used to find. (He would never take them to the pound because he knew they would kill them in 3 days and he couldn't stand the thought of that.) I miss telling him to turn his music down and to pull his pants up. I miss him playing rap music on an old church organ that he had bought. (Honestly, it was the funniest sounding thing you have ever heard.)

I just miss him.....and I just wanted to tell him "Happy Birthday."

So, Happy Birthday Terrell. Same time next year?

Peace........

I Know I'm Getting Old Because......

I know I'm getting old because......

1. I read the obituaries looking for people my age.
2. My medicine cabinet is looking like a pharmacy.
3. I have smelled like BenGay on more than one occasion.
4. "Regularity" is becoming important to me.
5. I look at a male stripper and the only thing I can think is "He must be
cold."
6. I can use my joints as a barometer, thermometer and stock predictor
all at the same time.
7. I find myself watching the "Silver Care" life insurance commercials
with increasing interest.
8. My husband heard me moaning in the bedroom the other day,
charged in and I was alone, just trying to get out of the bed.
9. Roughage is not my friend.
10. The word 'gas' does not just apply to my car anymore.
11. I have become fond of the phrase 'back in the day.'
12. I have started stories off with "Now when I was a little girl"
13. I remember walking 5 miles to school in 6 feet of snow uphill both
ways whether it happened that way or not.
14. My younger friends look pained when I try to dance.
15. My joints crackle more than Rice Krispies.
16. I feel a lump on one side of my body and immediately check to see if
there is a twin on the other side.
17. I have discovered more than one thing on my body and said "What is this and when did it get here?"

Now, I am going to watch TVLand. Because I was a kid when the original series were on. And yes, bell-bottoms were that cool.

Peace.......

My Name Is Lila!..and Other Idiosyncrasies

I hate it when telemarketers call your house and ask for you by your first name. The main reason I hate this (aside from them interrupting my life in the first place) is they always, without fail, pronounce my name wrong.

My name is Lila. Pronounced like this:"lie-la". Not Lela, Lilla, Lola, Lisa, Linda, Latoya, or Layla. LILA.....pretty simple I always thought. (See, my mother was a teacher and understanding the educational downfalls in some parts of Alabama, she thought she was giving me an easy name for everyone to read. Plus, Delilah would have thrown most people into a phonics coronary.) Not so simple for everyone else it turns out. (Plus,living in the south, I have had to endure the "Lala" from people who don't know how pronounce their i's.)

Speaking of my name, I am a waitress. When I approach a table, I introduce myself and then I say "How are you this evening/morning?" No I really don't want to know but it is standard protocol for me to ask. Please, when I say "how are you?", the correct response is not "sweet tea" or "coffee". I know, I know, I hate engaging in these trite rituals of concern for my fellow man at times, but, alas, it must be done. So please just share in the moment.

Also, two rules of etiquette when dining out:

1. Never, ever, ever snap at me. I mean never take your middle finger and thumb and make that annoying clicking sound in my direction. At best it will get you ignored, at worst it will get you a verbal throttling.

2. Never, ever, ever, no matter how drunk you may be, attempt to slap, grab or otherwise make contact with my backside. If you do, I can guarantee that you will end up wearing your entire meal. (This actually did happen to me a couple of years ago, and yes I stick by my word. And he still had to pay for his meal, poor thing.)

I have been accused by one co-worker (jokingly....I think) that I intimidate my customers and they are afraid not to tip me and that's why I make so much money. Personally, I think it's because of my charming personality;-). Oh, well, we may never know.

Well, I gotta go...the phone's ringing. Let's see if they can get my name right this time.

Peace.....

Rachel

My best friend in this whole wide insane world is Rachel. She has been my best friend for almost 20 years now. (Wow, I suddenly feel old!) If I had to name the one person who has had the most influence on me in my life up until this point, it would have to be her. And even though it is not a special occasion, I feel the need to thank her today. So here goes:

Thanks.......
for being my friend
for being my mentor
for showing me how to treat people
for getting my back when I needed
for defending me to people, even to my own family
for overlooking my faults
for complimenting me even when I didn't deserve it
for laughing at my stupid, stupid jokes
for being patient with me when I was frustrated
for letting me vent on you
for being awake for 3 a.m. phone calls
for cussing me out when I needed it
for ignoring your own problems to help me with mine
for going grocery shopping and everything else when I was agoraphobic
for being my kids' best friend as well
for just being my best friend..........God knows it's a hard job but someone's gotta do it!!

And I am glad it has been you.

Peace............

Ramblings of A Mad, Mad Mind

My family frightens me. I mean that. My husband and kids and cat keep me in fear. Why?

Well, I gave my one year old a waffle (you know, one of those toaster thingies) for breakfast today. He throws the waffle in the floor and decided that the CAT is much tastier. And the baffling thing to me is, while he is chewing on the cat's TAIL (just the fur mind you not the actual skin), the cat is looking at him in adoration and just purring away.

I woke my husband up for work this morning (Heaven forbid he actually wake himself up) and I dozed back off. Woke up 5 minutes later with both of my children standing by my bed staring at me. Not saying anything, just staring at me like I was some sort of scientific experiment gone awry.

Grover (my beloved husband) smokes in the shower. That's right; in the middle of taking a shower. How does he DO that without getting his cigarette wet?

In the state of Alabama, where I live, it is illegal to flick boogers on Sunday and to spit in the presence of a female (these are old laws that just still happen to be on the books). My husband needs to be arrested for both of these crimes. Where is a cop when you need one??

My children won't play with their toys;however, they will dig out empty soup cans from the trash and play with them.

I hate it when people sit with their mouths hanging open. ( I know this has nothing to do with the subject at hand. Just a random thought.)

Whenever we are out in traffic and someone honks their horn, my husband will stick his head out of the window and yell "Yeah, you got a horn!". What in the world does this mean??? Meanwhile, I am looking for a free space in the floorboard.

They scare me, these strange male creatures in my house. They're loud, they're fussy, they will eat ANYTHING , they're messy and they laugh at the craziest stuff.

And if I wake up one more time with the cat standing on my chest and staring at me licking his chops, he is going out the window.

Peace all......

Parenthood

I love my kids more than anything else on this earth. Let me start by saying that. They are the best things that have ever happened to me. However, this whole parenting thing is scary sometimes.

Most of the time it's pretty cool....like when we are watching "Blue's Clues" or playing. Oftentimes it is joyful....like when your child says "I love you Momma" for the first time. But there are moments in the middle of the night, when my children are asleep and they look so beautiful and innocent, that the full import of what I and my husband are trying to do here comes crashing down on me.

I am trying to raise good people. I am trying to raise happy, healthy, responsible, loving, Christian people. I am trying to teach them to be just, fairminded, tolerant and giving. They are little people now so sometimes I forget that they will be big one day, with their own thoughts and ideas. When that day comes, will they look back on their childhoods fondly or will they tell me that I could have been a better parent? Will they be close to me or will they see me as an embarassment because I am loud and opinionated and goofy? Will I ever make the fatal mistake of driving them away? Or will I remain an integral part of their lives?

I take my responsibility for raising my boys seriously. I will have to teach them how to treat women, how to develop patience, how to keep their heads up no matter what the situation. I even have to teach them the simple things like putting the toilet seat down or how much to tip in a restaurant (some future wife and waiter are gonna thank me!)

Right now, I and their father are the center of their universe. But as they grow into young boys and then into men, their focus is going to shift and, petty as this sounds, it is going to be painful. But I want it happen when it is supposed to because that will mean they are becoming men, not just grown bodies, but true men. And I am responsible for making sure that they get off to the right start on their journey and that they have a strong foundation on which to build the rest of their lives.

I want my kids to know how much I love them and even on the days when they hate me (and there will be some of those I know) my love for them will not flag or flinch or be diminished in any way. And whether they are CEOs or garbage men there is no difference to me. They will always be my babies in my heart, even when I will no longer be able to treat them as such.

Peace......

Random Thoughts

1. The two phrases every husband should know and should put into good use are: "Okay" and "I'm sorry." If you use the first one often enough then you should almost never have to use the second one.

2. I love watching my husband look for something when I already know where it is and I am just too lazy to get up and get it for him.

3. I am much more comfortable in the company of males than I am in the company of females. I don't know why. My husband says it is because I am an overgrown tomboy.

4. I will only wear a dress if I am going to a funeral or a wedding. They are uncomfortable and I can't put my feet up on anything while I am wearing one.

5. Whenever possible, I DO put my feet up on something. The only exception to this is if I am at church or a restaurant.

6. My husband is balding and I am not. There are days when I find a perverse sort of pleasure in asking him if he has seen my brush. He will always respond with "What the heck am I gonna do with it?"

7. I love my husband because he has put up with me for a long time and has yet to climb a clocktower.

8. Why do my kids wait until I am in the bathroom trying to pee when they decide they just have to have a hug from me?

9. The best birthday present I have ever gotten: two years ago on my 35th birthday, we were dead broke and my husband spent his last $2.00 at the used bookstore for some books for me. (Thank goodness our financial situation has improved but I still have those books in a special place on the bookcase in my bedroom.)

10. Everyone in my family has a nickname. I don't know why but we all do. Mine is Funky Funky Fresh Princess (don't ask), my husband's is Grover, Lukas is Puppy and Jakob is Fish.

11. Our fish (not Jakob, the ones in the tank) are so boring....you would think they could learn to do some tricks or something. Grover won't let me cook em though. But I figure if I take one a day out he'll never notice. Especially if I hide his glasses.

12. Grover never puts his glasses where he will remember where they are when he goes to sleep. So he forgets overnight but I don't. Once again, watching him look for something when I know where it is. (That's why I wear extended wear contacts!)

13. Grover......if ya read this know that I love ya cuz! And don't kill me in my sleep. Remember, the last time you tried that I woke up.;-)

Peace......



.....

Grover, Grover, Grover.....

I hate to be difficult, and I am really not that hard to please but why, oh why, will he not do the simple things?

My husband has one, that's right, one, household chore that he is expected to do on a daily basis: take out the trash. Why do I end up doing it? Either he's running late for work or he "forgets". How do you forget a big ole plastic bag stinking up your kitchen???

Why do I have to ask the same question THREE times to get any response at all? Not necessarily an answer, mind you, just any response, like a grunt or a look in my direction at least.

Why, when he shaves in the morning, does he leave those little bitty hairs from his goatee all over the sink? He says he cleans them up faithfully, but they must breed while he isn't looking because by the time I get to clean the bathroom, they are there waiting for me, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee.

Why does he immediately start taking clothes off when he gets home from work. Not in the bedroom, but at the front door, making a trail to the bedroom. Jacket on the chair in the livingroom, shirt on the other chair, shoes in the living room floor....you get the point. He's not a stripper and I have enough problems with my babies taking their clothes off just anywhere.

Why does he never call when he is going to be late?

Why is he always late? Anywhere we go he is always running late. (True, I am a little anal when it comes to punctuality but come on.)

No, I am not perfect nor do I claim to be. But I do try to do the little things to make his life easier. ( Except for the chronic complaining of course ;-))

Well, I've gotta take the trash out now.

Peace......

You Know You're Old and Married When......

the most romantic thing your husband can do for you is clean the house.

given the choice between sex and sleep, you'd rather go to sleep and dream about having sex.

your sexiest sleepwear is sweats and a t-shirt.

you no longer have the argument about leaving the toilet seat up; you just prepare yourself to perch on the edge. (Yes, you can do this half asleep!)

a romantic dinner is something that doesn't come out of a box and that can't be supersized.

you finish each other's sentences AND insults.

hearing them hack up a lung first thing in the morning and then lighting a cigarette no longer strikes you as peculiar.

you no longer ask them "Whatcha thinkin'?" because either you already know or you don't care or both.

you start to look like his mother and he starts to look like your father.

you can walk around all day in your rattiest clothes, with uncombed hair and no make-up and suffer no embarrassment.

you have caught him biting his toenails and spitting them across the room.

you don't even care if he goes into the kitchen naked....hey, at least he's cooking.

I am lonely most of the time. That is a fact. I am married with 3 kids, a cat and some fish but I am lonely most of the time. If I attempt to engage in conversation with my husband about anything other than the kids and the bills, then it turns into a bloodletting argument for some reason or the other. ( He has made politics, religion, and personal relationships pretty much off limits.) I think most of it has to do with the fact that I am too sensitive and he is not . In his quest for total honesty, he often engages in verbal brutality, while I engage in the counter attack. Maybe I am too vocal. Maybe I just need to shut up for awhile. Maybe I just need to stop trying. I think I will. It's too hard and I'm too tired.

An Ounce of Pretension

I cannot for the life of me understand people who pay more for a pair of shoes than I do for rent. I do not understand people who will pay $40 for a pair of socks just because it has some guy's name written on it. And please don't hand me the "it's expensive because it's high quality" crap because that is just not true. It's expensive because it has some guy's name written on it and someone somewhere has decided that this guy's name must be important.

Call me pedestrian, call me low-brow if you will, but I will never understand some people's compulsion to keep up with the Joneses. Yes, I know that without ambition, and sometimes greed, that no one would really be motivated to do anything with their lives but think about it like this:

For the $120 pair of shoes, or that $150 shirt, you can buy the same thing, same quality, without the name of course, for half-price at Wal-Mart. And with the money that you save you can actually do something meaningful.....like buy blankets for the homeless, diapers for a single parent who is having a hard time, food for someone who doesn't have any.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't have any nice things. Of course you should. If you work hard, then you should enjoy the fruits of your labor. What I am saying is that maybe people should re-prioritize that which is important. How much you spend on your tie or your SUV is not important. How much compassion you spend on other people is.

My husband often complains that I am too concerned with the welfare of other people. I can't help it; that is just who I am. Do I get taken advantage of sometimes? Sometimes, yes I do. But I also know that we have an obligation to one another as people to raise one another up whenever and wherever we can, be it by a sandwich, a pair of shoes, or just by a kind word. Of course, you have to use your brain(you can't give a crackhead money but you can buy him a meal) but you also have to use your heart, which I think a lot of people have forgotten how to do in their quest for their own 'American dream.'

Remember that the next time you put on your alligator shoes and grab your Prada purse.

Peace all........

Mood #326

I am in a mood....I call it mood #326. Don't know if it's caused by lack of nicotine or pms or insanity but here it is. It'll probably go away in a minute but since it's here right now.......

Grief is a crazy thing. You can think you are over something or someone and years can go by and it'll sneak up on you and smack you in the back of the head when you're not looking. Most people don't know this but you don't only grieve over the death of a loved one. You can grieve over a lot of things. Today, however, my grief is pointed directly at the ones that I have lost over the years. I need to talk to them. I need to ask them some things that I haven't ever asked them. Because they are not here for me to ask, this is the only way I have to get it out.

Kevin ...why did you drink yourself to death? You were only 33 and the only sibling I had that understood me at all and who didn't make me feel stupid. Why couldn't I help you? Why didn't I see what you were doing to yourself? You have been gone for 16 years...a long time. And it still feels like yesterday you were beating me down in cards.

Becky.....why did you leave home? Why did you marry that bum who beat you? And why didn't we know about it until after you were dead? Why didn't you call Mom or me and tell us? We could have come and gotten you a lot sooner than we did. The only relief I have is that you knew you could come home at the end and you did so I had a chance to talk to you some. But I never got to tell you what was really important: that despite what our father said, Mom always loved and so did I and that never changed.

Mom....thanks for living as long as you did (even though it wasn't long enough) and thank you for loving me even when I was totally unloveable. Thanks for letting me make my own mistakes and for letting me come home when I needed a safe place. I hope you are proud of me still.

Dad...why were you such an evil man? I loved you and you threw it away and I never got a chance to resolve it with you. Hate me all you want but I still love you.

Briana...my baby girl. I miss you most of all...every single day for the past seven years. You would be almost 10 years old now, half grown. Joshua misses you too. We talk about you a lot late at night. I love you Breezy, always.

I really need a cigarette now.

groversgripes

My husband has created his own blog, bless his heart. He normally doesn't have a whole lot to say but he's a pretty cool dude (sometimes)....groversgripes.blogspot.com

Musings and a Rant or Two

Why does my husband expect me to be his personal alarm clock? He will set his alarm for 615 a.m., turn it off and then expect me to get him up in time for work. And if I somehow don't manage to coddle him awake on time, then it is somehow my fault that he can't get up on time. WTF?

....I once asked my husband if he thought I was beautiful. His response was "I don't call anyone beautiful, but you are above average." For some unknown reason, that struck me as quite funny and to this day, three years later, when I think about that it cracks me up. (I don't think my mind is altogether well somedays ;-))

.......why is it that men marry a woman hoping she will never change and a woman marries a man hoping that she can change him?

....why won't my kids ever fall asleep or stay asleep at the same time?

......why do most people not want their significant others to have friends of the opposite sex?

....why do women marry men that are just like their fathers?

....why do so many women need a man/relationship to validate their worth as a human being?

....why do I always need information?

It should be against the law for the garbage men to come pick up your trash before 8 a.m.

.....why, if you are over 35, are you suddenly 'old'?

...why do people accuse men of only having 'one thing' their minds when women think about it just as often?

...why is it bad for a woman to like sex as much as a man?

Who said only kids ask why all the time?

Peace all.....

jakob

lukas

I can't sleep. My entire household is asleep. But my brain is working overtime as usual and will not let me rest. Oh, well, guess I'll crash and burn sometime in the next 24 hours.

To All Geeks, Nerds and Outcasts

This is for all you guys and girls who are outside of the norm...particularly those of you who may be in high school or freshly graduated.

I was just sitting around today talking to some of my (much) younger co-workers and they were venting their angst to me. (I guess because I am old enough to be petrified I am the one they talk to about their troubles because I have been through most of them already.) Anyway, what I told them is what I would like to tell you.

When I was in high school I was a geek, a nerd, an outcast. From the wrong side of town, and coming from the wrong bloodline. So, I was not accepted by anyone. Too academically minded for the thugs without enough money to be accepted by the elite. I was picked on and pushed around and was too shy and reserved to say anything or to stand up for myself. I thought life would always be like this.

However, when I turned 18, my mom gave me one piece of advice. She told me "It's a whole new world now. Do with it what you want." And I realized that I could do just that. Because it was a whole new world. I was technically a grown woman who didn't have to give a rat's red rump what people thought of me anymore. And so it began. I started talking to people even when I was afraid to and lo and behold most of them talked back....nicely, even! And I started to take risks with how I looked and how I acted and sometimes even I thought I looked crazy but that was okay because it was a whole new world and it was mine. And it was the greatest feeling.

But, still being young and naive, I engaged in the rituals of the young. Clubbing, primping, preening, still trying to impress people , just after a different fashion. That is something that we all go through and that we all have to outgrow.

Once I hit 35 I realized that I no longer had to impress anyone at all. That I could just be me, what I had wanted to be my whole life and no one wanted to let me. And that is freedom...true, unadulterated bliss at times even.

My point is this.....even if no one wants to accept you now, eventually everyone grows up and it ceases to matter. There are no more cliques, clubs or social scenes where you have to pass muster. You can just be who you are and that will be okay. Just give it time, because that is all we really have.

And don't forget.....if all else fails you can always show up at your class reunion and whip the snot out the guy who made your teenage life hell. We all have one. Chris Coultas, you better hope I never see you because you've got one coming.

Peace to all....

Grover!!!!

Can I Do This? And How?

Three weeks ago I decided that for my one and only true New Year's resolution that I would quit smoking. Okay....I have been smoking for 20 years and for the past 5 years or so have been smoking two packs a day. Today is the first day of my effort to become smoke-free. I set up everything like the 'experts' said. I threw away all of my lighters and ashtrays and so on. I set a date to quit (today) and it is has been 6 hours since my last cigarette. (I smoked my last one on the way home from work this morning).

The problem? I already feel like I am losing my mind!!! For those of you who have never smoked I can honestly tell you that there have been days when a cigarette was better than sex (no that is not an indictment of my sex life merely a comment on how good these things can make you feel).

So, do I try this cold turkey thing a little while longer? Do I try to wean myself off a little at a time or what? Bear in mind, not only am I concerned about myself, I am concerned about people who have to deal with me during this. I'm not sure what to do but I sure could use a cigarette.

Another Part of Me

My family put the fun in dysfunctional. I honestly look back on my life and sometimes wonder how I am even sane. I am oftentimes a study in conflict, the reason probably being my parents. My mother was a devout Christian woman and my father was a drunken philanderer who hated me from the day I was born. No, seriously, he hated me. I know because he told me so when I was four years old. And I know that he meant it because he did not say it in anger. He said it as casually as most people say 'good morning'. And although most of me has long ceased to care why he felt that way, there is a part of me that will probably always wonder what, I, as a child, could possibly have done to deserve such active hatred. The logical part of my brain says that I did nothing wrong and that evidently he had his own demons to deal with. I can certainly understand that. (I have had my fair share as well.) But the other part (that darned sensitive, emotional part) says that no matter what he was going through he should never have done that.

I will, despite it all, thank my father for a couple of things. He gave me strength, he thickened my skin, he taught me how to deal with the most difficult people from a very early age (being that he was one of them) and it is because of him that I almost never drink. One beer will pretty much lay me out (cheap drunk huh?;-)). It is also because of him that I tell my children that I love them more than anything else in this world every single day. Because they need to hear it and they need to know it. It matters.

And who said dads weren't important?

Well, let me get off of my therapist's couch for now. (You'll catch a mean cramp if you stay on it for too long).

Peace all..

This One's for You Shane

Here is a condensed bio ......the long version would be way too boring for the average bear.

Age:3o something....not too old to believe in Santa Claus not old enough to be in the history books....that would make me roughly 37...even tho I look a loooot younger...wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Occupation: waitress at the International House of Pancakes in Huntsville, Alabama. Why a waitress? Because, and I swear this is true, I LIKE being a waitress. Since my husband has a half decent job, it frees me from the desperation that so many servers have to endure while trying to pay their bills on 2.13 an hour. Plus, if you like to observe people from all walks of life, that's the way to do it.

Hobbies: I love to read, I looooove to talk, music (any kind except death metal and gansta rap...really, what is the point?) reading (also anything.....you give it to me and I will read it) ...oh, and did I mention I love to talk?

Two kids, Lukas and Jakob.....2 and 1...same birthday, different years (seriously) that I had, one that I adopted, Joshua 11. All great guys but it is sometimes frustrating that I live in a house full of men. Even the cat is a guy.

Husband of almost 4 years, Grover. Most days I love him...some days...well.....never mind. By the way, his real name is Stacy but he looks like Grover from Sesame Street ;-), hence the nickname.

My personal attitude is that life is great.....just moments may suck at times.

I have come to the conclusion that some people are destined for greatness; however, I am destined for okayness. And that is fine by me.

Well thank the good Lord that the new year has been rung in finally! As you know, I am a waitress and as you may not know, New Year's Eve is probably the busiest night of the year. (The busiest days are Easter Sunday and Mother's Day.) We had NO business until 1215 a.m. and then within five minutes the entire house was packed and stayed that way for the next five hours. Lots of running for us, lots of fun and lots of money (for me anyway).

And then when I went home and went to bed and woke up I tried to stand up. Hahahahahaha!!!! My legs were numb from the knees down and I could feel the bones in my ankles crunch like Rice Krispies. Ah, the joy of being in my line of work.

Anyhow, will be back at a later date and maybe, just maybe, I will be able to talk about something other than work ;-). Peace!